Feast of St. Helena

How to become a saint even though you haven’t performed any miracles, in 4 easy steps:

  1. Devote yourself to your illegitimate son after your common-law husband leaves you.
  2. After he becomes Constantine I, Emperor of Rome, encourage him to convert to Christianity.
  3. Don’t nag at him after he kills your stepson Crispus, his illegitimate son, because your daughter-in-law Fausta, the emperor’s legitimate wife, fell in love with Crispus.
  4. When you’re 80, travel to Jerusalem and find at least one, if not all, of the following:
  • the tunic Jesus wore on the cross
  • the cross he was hung on
  • the nails from the cross
  • the rope from the cross
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