Why we call it August

Whereas the Emperor Augustus Caesar, in the month of Sextilis, was first admitted to the consulate, and thrice entered the city in triumph, and in the same month the legions, from the Janiculum, placed themselves under his auspices, and in the same month Egypt was brought under the authority of the Roman people, and in the same month an end was put to the civil wars; and whereas for these reasons the said month is, and has been, most fortunate to this empire, it is hereby decreed by the senate that the said month shall be called Augustus.

Decreed by the Roman Senate in 8 BC

But it’s not true that Augustus added a day to his month so it would match Julius’ month. Sextilis always had 31 days.

The Singularity

In just 36 years it seems there will be little implantable chips to keep our bodies alive forever and our minds occupied with blissful alternate realities; and lots of machines that are smarter than we are.

Ray Kurzweil wrote a book in the late ‘80s predicting that a computer would beat a chess master and that we’d all be doing research on the internet. His 2005 book The Singularity, which will apparently be turned into a (scary) movie later this year, tells us what will have happened by 2045.

Two things about this strike me. The first part, about living forever in bliss, sounds weirdly like what Jesus and Mohammed were talking about. But about that second part: What will those machines decide to do with all us stupid humans?

John the Baptist, Michael Jackson, and Ted Kennedy

On the day they celebrate (celebrate?) John the Baptist’s execution, where his cut-off head was delivered to Salome by the stepfather she seduced with a dance; and on the day Michael Jackson, who apparently had a hard time sleeping, was born; Ted Kennedy lies surrounded by his family and nearly all the power of America, including George W. Bush with an alarmingly red nose.

It would certainly be comforting to be able to believe that all these people: John the Baptist, Michael Jackson, Ted Kennedy, and even Salome, are all now mingling, albeit somewhat uncomfortably, up there in heaven.

Newt gets religion

So Newt Gingrich has converted to Catholicism. Now why do you think he picked that particular religion? And does 2012 have anything to do with it? No, according to erudite Newt:

When you have 2,000 years of intellectual depth surrounding you, it’s comforting.

Well I’m happy for you, Newt, that you find it comforting to debate whether the pope’s infallible, or whether Jesus had separate or combined god-man natures. But it might have helped if you’d had your comforting Catholic beliefs before you divorced your first wife as she was struggling with uterine cancer, or before you condemned Bill Clinton while you were committing adultery with your Catholic now-third-wife.

And don’t you have to get that infallible pope to annul your first two marriages so you’re not living in mortal sin for the rest of your life?

Enjoying August with the Duc

The joys of August in the Duc de Berry’s court: horseback riding in long gowns, swimming (naked!) in the river or, for those less fortunate, harvesting his wheat; all protected, as usual, by the sun god in his chariot, Leo the lion standing on his hands (paws), and a strangely attenuated Virgo.

The Nineteenth Amendment

On August 26, 1920, the United States constitution finally recognized that universal suffrage is a right belonging to all adult citizens.

When will the same be true for universal health care?

Or marriage?

Torture is fine, but forget gay marriage

Power drills and threats of rape and mock executions, not to mention actual (“authorized”) torture. Meanwhile Karl Rove was back here stirring his base with the moral outrage of gay marriage.

A nation of barbaric hypocrites.

The day the fires didn’t burn out

It all started yesterday, when the Greeks honored Nemesis, goddess of divine punishment, and the Romans lit great bonfires for Vulcan, god of fire. On August 24 they opened a spooky underground vault in Rome to let the underworld spirits roam for a day, making marriages, business plans and battles inadvisable. They also let the Volcanalia fires burn out – but, one August 24 in 79 A.D., Mount Vesuvius had other plans.

If I’d known what an inauspicious day it was, I might have chosen a different wedding day, though it’s worked out pretty well so far.

Virgo and the Engineers

When my business partner and I started our consulting firm one of the most difficult problems was finding a name. It not only had to stand for what we did, in some way, but also had to be available, i.e. not registered, in our state.

Many mythology books later we came up with Theseus Corporation, since Theseus supposedly inspired the people of Athens to govern themselves (though we had some difficulty explaining to our organizational change workshops why we’d named our company after a serial rapist and murderer).

The corporate naming process does have some pitfalls. Take, for example, the Blackwater security company (founded by a guy aptly named Prince), named for some dark swamp water near the Dismal Swamp, with a logo of a bear claw in a rifle scope. When they ran into some image problems, they changed their name to Xe – a non-descript name if there ever was one. Except: Xe is the chemical symbol for xenon, a colorless, odorless gas which, if it replaced all the oxygen in your room, would asphyxiate you in seconds. Do they know this?

But I digress from this lovely picture of the virgin, symbol of the astrological sign Virgo. If your company were, and I quote:

a leading manufacturer of Ball Valves for Energy and Process / Industrial markets. Virgo was founded by a group of technocrats who continue to own and manage the company. In the past 5 years, Virgo has emerged to be one of the fastest growing valve companies in the world.

why on earth (or in the solar system) would you name it “Virgo Engineers”?

The August wee-wees

April is the cruelest month, but August is the craziest. Seems like it all began with poor John Kerry, whose boat swiftly sank in August of ’04, and then the next year Katrina took down Bush (and a lot of innocent collateral bystanders). In August of ’06 there was that plot to blow up 10 airplanes, Heathrow closed down, and the TSA inherited thousands of water bottles. Then the Minneapolis bridge fell down, and finally, last year . . . well, let’s just try to forget about Sarah Palin.

Now that we have a name for it (and a definition, courtesy of a reluctant Robert Gibbs), maybe we can all just chill along with Obama and wait for September (oh wait – last year, September was worse!). October, then. We’ll have health care reform by October, right?